Stll

I sit here waiting.
Maybe,
to feel something,
Maybe,
just to be content.
surprisingly this pit in my stomach
has dwindled down to an ache,
and the throbbing in my heart has
shrunk to a blurred nothingness.
Last night helped.
The writing on paper of what I wanted to do.
Just me.
All I could accomplish.
But as i got further and further down the list,
there were things i couldnt do alone.
I guess that part comes later.
Ive been looking at polaroids,
a man traveling the country,
meeting people, appreciating the hospitatlitly he recieved.
Naked standing at the edge of a cliff.
Beard blowing in the wind.
He seemed free.
A roamer,
a traveler.
I want to feel.
I sit and i work and i read and i run,
all going round and round.
This endless circle of life that i become so
consumed in.
And yes, the reminder pops into my head once in a while.
A little more lately.
It still hurts.
I still hurt.
But a sense of need spills in.
a need to experience,
live,
grow up,
feel,
appreciate,
a need to be on my own without
anchoring my heart.
Cracks in stones
cracks in my heart.
I can fill them in with flowers and glue.
When a tower falls, the foundation is still standing.
I came crashing down,
windows ablaze with fire.
I had no choice but to hold me breathe
and close my eyes.
So now I'm left with this slab of concrete
and a dark hole going farther and farther down.
I cant fill it in,
shovel by shovel.
Until i can build once more upon it.
This time i'll be more cautious.
Slower,
more careful with the materials i
choose to use.
My tower will be sturdy and next time
if it's attacked, there will be minimal damage.